4:30 p.m. - 2006-09-15
Going back to high school
What a strange experience the past few days have been. So many memories have come up from the deep soil they were burried beneath. It's so awkward to return to your high school after five years. Dammit, it make me feel so old! The first day I was there, I was really jealous of all the kids having a blast, wearing what they want, flirting with eachother, feeling and acting cool, and just having few worries. I envied all the girls with long high school hair, small high school bodies, and young high school faces with no wrinkles around their eyes (Little do they know that all the laughing and smiling they do now will contribute to those wrinkles when their my age and older). All day I had a odd feeling in my body. My mind was jumbled with good and bad memories, desires to go back to certain times and happiness because I don't have to go back to others. Eventually, I realized that everyone goes through this time of their life and everyone goes through my current time of life. No one has a chance to be younger, whether or not wrinkle creams and surgery say you do. And when I look at the students there, I realize how much we are all the same. No matter the years you were in high school, you all act the same way and experience the same things. It's a really fun age -- I guess that's why everyone misses it so much. But those kids I saw today will be in college soon and they'll be dealing with the same things that I just accomplished. I'm a graduate in many ways and I shouldn't want to return to all the struggles of HS and undergraduate. I'm just going thourgh that typical thinking of "I don't want to grow up." I also realized today how the way I've dressed has changed. I used to be fine and happy with a t-shirt(thrift or band), jeans and converse or vans; now, I don't feel as "pretty" in those close. I feel sexiest when I'm wearing heels or wedges, tighter jeans, girly-type tops, etc. I want to go back to the confindence I had in myself when I was younger. Of course those few moments of confidence were blatantly contrasted with moments of insecurity. So, I guess I'll never be fully confident; but, when I do feel confident, it's a great feeling. I've realized lately that I pick at myself too much. I criticize my appearance as if it is something I can change. My face is mine, and so are my big hips, my floppy left ear, my never-wanting-to-be-completely-flat stomach, my big cheeks and oversized eyes, manly hands, thin hair, mustache, hair around my belly button and those wrinkles that are starting to show up around my eyes and forehead(wow, I must be some kind of BEAST!). That's how badly I put myself down for being who I am. I need to start being more fair to myself, I'll probably thank myself later. I look at myself and literally tell myself I want to be naturally pretty, I want people to look at me and think I'm beautiful--how crazy and selfish is that? I never want to think like that again. Although I'm sure I'm not alone, It's a stupid way to think, especially because there are people out there with physical and mental situations that they can't avoid, and here I am living happily, healthy, constantly complaining. I am a dumb ass bitch. The girl I worked with today had a brain tumor removed when she while 9, ya hear that? 9 years old! I'm 23. and I would absolutely have to say, without a doubt, that all the troubles in my life so far could never be compared to the trauma she's endured. In high school, I was worried about whether or not my butt looked good in the dress I was wearing; she, on the other hand, has to go through her whole high school career in a wheel chair or walker, with a brain that works slowly and a mouth that only smiles on the left side, for goodness sakes, Sheryl Lynn! What in the hell is your probablem. And the funny thing is, this girl is amazing. She survived brain damage for that most part and actually made is to high school. This experience has really put things into a wonderful perspective for me. I say wonderful because I can really learn from it. I need to accept my age, height, size, face, hips, and everything else that comes along with life. I can't change anything and there's no reason why I shouldn't be happy with what I have. I am fine the way I am... physically, of course, personalities and attitudes can always be worked on.
